This isn’t an online dating exercise, but it is a call for more men. Me and some of my middle-aged mates play in a 5-a-side league in Wanstead on a Sunday evening. We are, in short, rubbish.

There are only six teams in the league at present. However, it’s pretty professional – games are arranged and results displayed on our own league web site. It’s not only the set-up that’s professional, either. Some of the teams are mustard – The Unknows (who caned us twice) are basically semi-professional. They are everything we are not: fast, energetic and talented.

We managed to win two games all season. The first was a stunning 5-2 victory over fellow strugglers League of Asians. Our second win – an unexpected 10-0 triumph – came last weekend as the result of a no-show. That sneaky tactic lifted us to the glories of fifth (and in the Premier League, that would be an automatic Europe League place).

But this isn’t the Premier League, it’s the Sylvestrian Football League. And we stink. Still, there is hope – and a new round of games is set to begin in just two weeks. By way of a season round-up, special mention must go to the following players:

• Steve Wilson (captain) – Organiser, goalscorer and often goalkeeper (by default, rather than choice)
• Richard Walsh – Looks like a rugby player; scores like Zico
• Adrian Mason – Essex boy that bangs on endlessly about a volley he scored earlier in the season
• Greg Demetriou – Late starter; scores regularly but always picks up an injury
• Mark Samuels – Another late starter; scores very, very infrequently
• Ben Lock – Specialist in ankle injuries
• Niall Magennis – Fellow IT journalist with a mean line in tackling
• Cathal O’Donoghue – Good at missing the middle part of the season, basically
• Kevin Malone – Mysteriously absent for later matches

If you’re in Wanstead and want to get stuffed at football, check out the league web site – matches are on a Sunday evening and your team is almost guaranteed two wins against the Villa (Wanstead, not Aston).