Mark Samuels

One of the great things about my three-year-old daughter is that she likes a laugh. She’s shy but, in the comfort of her own home, she really likes a laugh. Much to my poor wife’s chagrin, who usually has to cope with an over-excited child and a childish Daddy.

She’s spent the last couple of months experimenting with jokes. Egged on by an immature father and the ubiquitous Justin (he’s a bloke that presents loads of shows on CBeebies, including the ‘funny’ Gigglebiz), my daughter has tried to come up with some gags. As can be seen below, she’s managed to rip off a fairly standard formula – but the gags show a strong (how I can put this?) alternative flavour:

• Why did the pelican cross the road? To go to the barbers.
• Why did the mouse run up the clock? To go in the trumpet.
• Why does the steam go in your eyes? Because it runs about.
• Why does a cup jump into the air? Because it digs on your floor.
• Why does a turtle walk on the land? Because it swims in the sea.
• Why does a cup go on your shelf? Because it sits on your table.
• Why does the turtle swim like a fish? Because it’s like you and me.
• Why does a machine cross your toy? Because it goes to the centre, where’s it’s cool and fluffy.
• Why does a cow jump over the fence? Because it wants to eat your supper.
• Why did the vacuum cleaner stamp on the house? Because it made the children run about.
• Why did the toilet cross his neighbours to get to his house? Because he bought something new to wear.
• Why does the tree lamp have a leaf? Because it’s bonkers.
• Why did the cat jump over the moon? Because it runs to the stocking.
• Why did the deer have no eyes? Because it had no idea.

My wife knows nothing about technology. She doesn’t have a Facebook account and watching her search the web is more frustrating than watching Aston Villa fail to score in four successive Premier League matches.

She cares nothing for the bits and bytes of technology, like much of the world (an oft forgotten detail). But she did mention that she’d heard Apple had released some new technology.

“The Apple iPad,” I said, recognising that while she cares nothing for Steve Jobs’ latest device, she is equally unable to avoid media hype. The iPad – depending on your chosen review – is either a big phone, the greatest innovation ever (since the last Apple innovation, anyway) or the saviour of the publishing industry. Such hype suggests we’re all about to start reading books and papers on our iPads ; my wife’s response to that suggestion?

“Reading is all about relaxing, so why would anyone choose to read a computer screen?”

Quite (now get your own Facebook account and stop using mine to connect with your mates).

I live in a place called Wanstead. If you live in London, it’s on the Central Line loop; if you don’t, it’s to the east. Wanstead is nice. My Dad is always saying: “What I don’t get about this London is that even when a place is nice, there’s something really grim just round the corner.”

He’s right, of course, but he lives in Warwick. And that is basically the posh Midlands. So, he’s a bit spoilt. But Wanstead – when it comes to London and it’s rather frustrating mix of nice and grim – is fairly grand. That sense of grandness is provided by the wide, tree-lined streets, some splendid period architecture and some lovely open spaces, such as the green on the High Street and Wanstead Park.

The village – if you can call Wanstead a village when it’s five minutes from the M11 and served by two Underground stations – has managed to retain a strong identity, particularly as the rest of east London is either being smashed for the Olympics or going to the dogs (or not, in the case of the former dog track at Walthamstow Stadium).

Then last week, a Tesco opened on the Wanstead High Street. It’s been a source of conjecture, debate and protestation. The store takes the place of a former Woolworth’s (RIP, you good retail friend). The protests against the store have been long and loud (hence the delay in the store opening). A particularly vocal compaigner has been a chap called Ashley Gunstock, who admitted using the Leytonstone Tesco branch after being ‘outed’ by a local newspaper. It’s been that sort of debate.

People objecting to the store say Tesco will kill shops on the High Street. Like elsewhere in the UK, shops are always opening and closing in Wanstead – and I guess the presence of a retail giant is hardly likely to help the independents. And the community of Wanstead – and it does have a nice community; we know all our lovely neighbours – seem keen to ensure the shop is empty.

Which is why I was surprised to see people virtually fighting to get into the Tesco earlier this week, while the local Co-op – which is normally packed – was the retail equivalent of the Mary Celeste: “It’s always like this now,” said one of the workers to me at the Co-op.

Change, eh? Who needs it? Virtually everyone, it would seem.

Football is a business. Actually, it isn’t – it’s a sport. But there’s a chance you might have forgotten, given the media’s obsession with football clubs and their cash concerns.

There’s one type of cash concern in football, like Accrington Stanley struggling to survive. And there’s another, where big clubs are struggling to stay as big clubs. Take Liverpool, for example.

Ex-footballers gracing screens with their oh-so-obvious banter keep telling the watching populace that Liverpool “simply have to qualify for the Champions League”‘ because of cash concerns and a need to attract the best players. But it’s a sport and I couldn’t give a stuff about who needs to be in a specific competition because of business issues.

Then there’s the big club justification – “Liverpool are a massive club that deserves to be in the Champions League”. Liverpool, of course, are a massive club with a “brand” (another dreadful term that has become associated to Sky-era football) that commands global recognition. Good for them. But such prestige does not mean Liverpool – or anyone else – has a divine right to be successful.

Look at Leeds, Newcastle, Nottingham Forest, Derby, Sheffield Wednesday, et al – all of whom are big clubs, finding they have no divine right to be in the top flight, never mind Europe.

Football is cyclical, you see and teams drop from the elite. Nothing is more sure. Liverpool are struggling, Manchester United have their own financial concerns – Manchester City are spending big, Spurs are on the up. Things change.

Look at the Villa. We were the biggest club in the world in the late ninteenth and early twentieth century; we were the global “brand”. Post-Second World War football in Aston has seen some high points and quite a few low points. At the minute, the Villa are thinking about being successful again. We shall see.

But no club has a right to success. And no club “has” to be in any competition, despite what the pundits would have you believe.

The winter edition of CIO Connect magazine was printed and posted pre-Christmas; it’s probably hitting desks around now. The magazine includes an interview with BA CIO Paul Coby, keynote speaker at CIO Connect’s recent annual conference. There’s also a special report on sourcing, a feature on delivering change and an article on eating your own dog food – where CIOs of leading suppliers explain how they innovate for customers.

As ever, thanks to all the CIOs, business leaders and technology experts who contributed their time and opinions. Below is a full-list of featured participants:

• Paul Coby, CIO at British Airways
• David Cooper, CIO at TalkTalk
• Mark Brown, IT director at ISS UK
• Dave Allerton, IT director at RHWL Architects
• Fiona Capstick, vice president and geographic integration executive at IBM’s Office of the CIO
• John Johnson, vice president and former CIO at Intel
• Lorie Buckingham, CIO at Avaya
• Derek McManus, CTO at O2
• John Murphy, acting director of information systems services at Trinity College Dublin
• Andy Bellamy, IT Director at TDG
• Chris Evers, head of IT at Central and North West London NHS Foundation Trust
• David Bulman, CIO at Aegis Media
• Colin McLauchlan, head of IT at King & Shaxson
• Dharmesh Mistry, CTO at Edge IPK
• David Bason, IT director at Shoosmiths
• Peter Dew, CIO and group director of human resources at Ceva
• Robbert Kuppens, CIO at Cisco Europe
• Simon Hazlitt, co-founder of Majedie Assset Management
• Peter Rogers, senior project manager at University Hospitals of Leicester NHS Trust
• Paul Mendes, head of IT at Chesterton Humberts
• Dean Branton, group director of business transformation and infrastructure services at KCOM
• Ade McCormack, consultant at Auridian and columnist for the FT
• Gerry Cohen, chief executive at Information Builders
• Richard Bewley, chief marketing officer at Best of the Best
• Mark Ridley, IT director at Reed.co.uk
• Jim Boots, senior BPM advisor at Chevron
• Karl Deacon, CTO at Capgemini
• Martin Butler, founder of Martin Butler Research and former chairman at Butler Group
• David Head, director at La Fosse Associates
• Dominic Batchelor, senior associate at Ashurst LLP
• Danièle Tyler, solicitor at Ashurst LLP

My daughter is three this weekend. To commemorate this momentous occasion, I’m going to record another of her five favourite games (and she’ll get some presents, too):

• Doggies – I bought a bag of small plastic dogs from a charity shop. I am always that generous. Anyway, my daughter loves this bag of dogs. There are about 100 of the little hounds and there’s accessories, too. Her favourite accessory is the toilet. The dogs spend a lot of time paying money to the shopkeeper to go the toilet. A shop of toilets run by dogs? Not one I’d like to visit in real life.
• Dinos in Houses - Similarly to the small plastic dogs, my daughter has a tin of dinosaurs – which has also been invaded by a collection of insects. Which means evolution has got mixed up and Triceratops now hangs out with his mate over-sized ladybird. My daughter uses her wooden blocks to build houses for the dinos and gets upset if you don’t play the game properly. And that’s always difficult when you don’t know the rules.
• Families - We’ve got another child on the way and my daughter is into families right now. Similarly to earlier favourite games, ‘Families’ relies on the participation of willing soft toys. The toys are not necessarilly related, which means the father is sometimes a dog and the mother is a cow. Another example of evolution gone mad, I’m afraid. One of the toys plays the little girl and the mummy toy has a baby in its tummy. Then they all go on the train for a holiday.
• Peppa Pig - One for Mummy, this one. My daughter likes Mummy to play a subtle variation on ‘Families’ with Peppa Pig and her clan. She’s got a house and a school, and everyone hangs out together. Once again, she gets upset if you get the rules wrong. Which is a particular problem for non-plussed Daddy.
• Explorers – Another game based on soft toy participation. Monkey and Leopard go to Sock Valley and find the Golden Egg. Sometimes Confused Robot comes along for the ride and gets everyone’s names wrong. And French Otter, who is actually a stoat and who says ‘de temps en temps’ a lot.

I have always loved electronic music. I am, after all, a child born in the 1970s that grew up in the 1980s. When I was still in the early years of primary school, The Human League – who are, to me, the epitome of home made UK electronica – were dominant in the pop charts.

Still, that often counts for little. Most of the people I knew as I grew up thought electronic music “wasn’t real”; it was made by computers and not by tough guys playing guitars. That opinion is rubbish. Unlike most guitar music, which simply borrows from previous bands from previous eras, electronic artists are often at the musical vanguard.

Kraftwerk, Brian Eno, The Human League, New Order and the like were followed in the 1990s by a bunch of ambient hipsters – such as Aphex Twin, Global Communication and Seefeel – that mixed sampling and electronica to create something epic and beautiful.

Now everything has gone full circle – electronic music is back in the charts and artists are busy making songs that either sound like 1980s pop or that simply sample New Romantic records. Still, I’m happy – anything is better than a bunch of indie bores recycling Rolling Stones and punk riffs.

Which brings me to the 8bitcollective – the online chiptunemedia community. Completely open, 8bc allows users to upload their take on classic pop. The rather brilliant collection of chiptunes are based on the music of 1980s gaming technology, the other sound of my early years – from the ZX Spectrum to the Nintendo Gameboy.

The following three tracks are the best I’ve found on the site as yet, but there’s probably other gems. If you like computer-based electronica, check it out. Sometimes, borrowing and re-interpreting the past really is the future:

• My Bloody Valentine – Loomer: A really beautiful version of a shoegazing classic
• The Smiths – William, It Was Really Nothing: Personally, I think this cover allows you to appreciate the brilliance of Jonny Marr’s chord changes…
• The Album Leaf – Another Day: Smashing take on a latter-day ambient track

The nature of work has changed. Want proof? Search LinkedIn and see how many people choose to define their job role with what might previously have been seen as non-traditional, even esoteric, terms:

1.    4,475,626 results for owner
2.    3,677,739 results for consultant
3.    1,911,106 results for specialist
4.    537,068 results for advisor
5.    469,201 results for founder
6.    468,044 results for expert
7.    405,901 results for freelance
8.    398,420 results for contractor
9.    365,215 results for writer
10.    138,506 results for speaker
11.    84,840 results for strategist
12.    61,032 results for ambassador
13.    50,013 results for thinker
14.    45,848 results for visionary
15.    42,614 results for guru
16.    20,318 results for blogger
17.    16,270 results for evangelist
18.    4,582 results for entreprenuer
19.    3,094 results for gatekeeper
20.    1,637 results for futurist

Old favourites – like freelance and contractor – are still popular. At the start of the last decade, such descriptions were seen as being catch-all phrases for individuals operating at the fringes of the formal economy and providing an outsourced service to larger businesses.

Twenty years ago, futurologists predicted something called ‘the internet’ would allow us to all work flexibly. Now, in a new economy driven by collaborative technologies, freelancing has become the mainstream. A global economy of contractors is fast-developing, with individuals selling their expertise on-demand.

Old monikers – such as freelance and contractor – do not necessarily encapsulate the act of work. The result is a collection of meaningful/meaningless terms that are used to describe what people actually do, or would like to do.

I wonder how the table will develop as the economy changes? Feel free to suggest other esoteric descriptions.

“Deciding on a name for your baby is one of the hardest decisions you’ll have to make,” starts the A-Z of Baby Names. Maybe, maybe not. But if you’re struggling, pay careful attention to the advice on the back of the same book: “These days, virtually anything goes when it comes to babies’ names!” (Note the exclamation mark, because chosing an unusual baby name really is that much fun!!!)

In fact, if you’re really stuck for names, just turn to page 14 and pay careful attention to the lists entitled: “Made-up names for boys and girls”. Here are five of the book’s made-up suggestions for boys:

1. Dantrell
2. Daquan
3. Markell
4. Quintavius
5. Tevin

And here’s five of the book’s made-up names for girls:

1. Amberkalay
2. Dalondra
3. Jameka
4. Keoshawn
5. Quanisha

But what about when you’ve run out of ideas because all your mates have already picked all the Dantrells and Keoshawns? Don’t worry, just make up some of your own – and here are ten suggestions from me (I might turn this into a baby name book, because there’s only 487,549 on the market right now and someone could make 38p from a book like this):

1. Anubriffpentam
2. Collectingcars
3. Crrdft
4. Farmyardken
5. Loodmubbaois 87f.g SD338WE69AMN
6. Mz
7. Prestonnorthend
8. Trejanfoog
9. Snakehead
10. Zabs

So, there’s this theory. I stole it (I think) from Times journalist Daniel Finkelstein. It’s a pretty good theory and allows you to see the final Premier League table months before the season ends. Sceptical? Then, let me explain.

Order the Premier League teams after they’ve played 12 games (this process is harder than it sounds, because most sites don’t allow you to look at tables retrospectively – which means you have to keep the League tables for a couple of weeks).

Once you’ve worked out the maths – and every team in the table has played 12 games – you’re left with an ordered list. And this table, give or take a place or two, is likely to be the final Premier League table. Still sceptical?

Well, I heard about the theory a couple of years ago and – give or take a bit of movement – the theory was sound. There’s normally a couple of big changes (Hull dropping like a stone last year, Spurs zooming up the League). And as I said before, you have to have an accepted error of one or two places around most teams.

Which – if you look at the table below – is either Champions League or nothing (if you’re an Aston Villa fan, like me). And it’s time to get excited if you’re a Chelsea or Spurs supporter, and time to look away if you’re a West Ham, Pompey or Wolves fan. Anyway, here’s the [predicted] final table for 2009/10 (goal difference after 12 games in brackets, followed by points):

1. Chelsea (21, 30)
2. Arsenal (21, 25)
3. Man Utd (11, 25)
4. Tottenham (6, 22)
5. Aston Villa (8, 21)
6. Man City (7, 21)
7. Liverpool (9, 19)
8. Sunderland (1, 17)
9. Stoke (-3, 16)
10. Blackburn (-9, 16)
11. Burnley (-10, 16)
12. Fulham (-1, 15)
13. Everton (-5, 15)
14. Wigan (-9, 14)
15. Birmingham (-4, 12)
16. Bolton (-11, 11)
17. Hull (-15, 11)
18. West Ham (-4, 10)
19. Wolverhampton (-10, 10)
20. Portsmouth (-8, 7)